Calorie, ciznall on me

Fatfighter2's last post according to Gizoogle:

Tra la la. I detest that sizzong. So, Monday 1 May was tha day I gots bizzle on tha diet'n wagon if you gots a paper stack. My new strategy is ta have a limit of 2000 calories a day, W-H-to-tha-izzich is tha average recommended daily amount fo` bitchez. Tizzle sounds ratha generous, hatin' I'm supposed ta be los'n weight, not maintain'n it, but it's contingent on mah doing `bout an hour of exercise a day . Aint no killin' everybodys chillin'. So far so good upside yo head. A combinizzle of M&S lo-cal meals n forgo'n alcohol n yummy office treats has gots me through tha pizzle two days witout a hizzitch. Today, pusha it being a lovely day I went fo` tha takeout sandwich option , betta check yo self. Fiznirst fatal mistake: clockin' by tha Scottish Slimma cheese n onion sandwich wit its calorie content clearly printed on tha front in favour of a much more satisfy'n freshly-filled baguette. Second fatal mistake like this and like that and like this and uh: going fo` tha hizzigh thick chicken n coleslaw combo ratha tizzy tha chicken n salad one. Oh dear n shit. When I tried ta calculate tha calories playa using mah handy shawty book I jizzle `bout gizzy up n mizzy a - probably conservative - estimate of 800 calories. Almost half mah daily allowance blizzay in one go . I thought i told ya, nigga I'm a soldier. All coz I was afraid of S-T-to-tha-izzill perpetratin' hungry gangsta lunch. Time ta train me out of thiznat way of think'n.